July 9, 2013 at 2:18 pm

My youngest woke me up at around 4:00 a.m. this morning. As I lay there after getting her back to sleep, unable to drift back to sleep myself, there was a near-constant nudging telling me to get out of bed and write. I kept asking, “What should I write about?” I got out of bed, still not really sure what it was I was going to write.

A couple of weekends ago, I attended a yoga/meditation retreat taught by my soul sister, Felice Austin. It was a life-changing weekend. It’s hard for me to even describe or comprehend everything that happened inside of me over the course of those three days. But I feel nudged to share a bit about three of the powerful experiences I had that weekend.

The Re-birth

On Saturday, Felice guided us in a rebirthing meditation. Knowing that I was conceived as the sixth child in an unhappy, stressful marriage and baked for nine months in that negative environment, I went into this meditation with some trepidation. I wasn’t sure what to expect from it, but I knew I didn’t want to relive my original gestation experience or find out just how painful it might have been. As it turns out, this rebirthing meditation had very little to do with how we were actually born and everything to do with transformation.

This experience really was transformational for me. I was reborn. I was healed. It was perhaps the closest I’ve ever come to pure ecstasy.  It’s hard for me to describe what happened in a way that truly conveys its power. What happened was within the realm of my subconscious, but it was also more real than many of the physical experiences I’ve participated in. I experienced a new gestation. I was birthed and attended by women who love me, embraced in tenderness, re-took my first breath in euphoria.

Afterward, Felice told us that part of the meditation was to get up and talk to each other. I turned to Wendy who was the closest person to where I was and said, “Can I hug you?” We didn’t talk. We just held each other, and I sobbed. Then Sheridan came over to us and wrapped her arms around us. She doula-ed me in her gentle, perfect way… coaxing the wailing out of me in a massive release. And I sobbed and sobbed with these two beautiful women holding space for me and filling me with their love and light. I will never forget it.

Buscando la luz

January 30, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I’ve been using the pseudonym “Buscando la luz” for the past several years in an effort to maintain a bit of privacy as a blogger. Now that our book, The Gift of Giving Life, is almost ready to be released, that privacy is now a thing of the past. It’s pretty easy now for anyone to find my full name. I’m Lani Axman. (Lani rhymes with Bonnie, in case you were wondering.) Even so, I plan to continue blogging here as “Buscando la luz” or “Busca” for short. The rest of this post is a cut and paste from my “About” page in which I explain how and why I chose to call myself “Buscando la luz.” I have plans to update my “About” page soon, but I wanted to preserve  this story as a post.

In December of 2007, I turned to Blogger as an outlet for my passionate drive to share what I learned and loved about birth.When I started that blog, I was coming out of a difficult phase of my life.  I had spent the previous year or so full of anger and frustration about the world.  Following my second daughter’s birth, I became ill repeatedly, culminating in kidney stones.  Those illnesses weren’t surprising considering all the negativity and darkness I felt weighed-down by. Then we moved out of the basement where we lived to cute old house with lots of sunlight.

It was incredibly refreshing moving to that sunny little house.  We had literally let the light back into our lives, but I still needed to let the light back into my heart.

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