Done? Revisited

May 16, 2011 at 5:52 am

I keep going back and forth in my mind about this.

But here’s where I’m at with it.  I don’t know if we’re done having babies or not.  Maybe we are, maybe we aren’t.  For all I know I could change my mind in a few years anyway.  As I’ve pondered it, I’ve come to peace with either path.  I feel OK with being done.  And I feel OK with not being done.

It is interesting to note, however, that my five-year-old told me a week or two ago that I was going to have two more babies.  Another boy and another girl (not necessarily in that order).  She’s also the one who told me, “It’s OK, Mommy.  You’ll grow another one,” when I pushed out my placenta, remember?  Maybe it’s all just silly five-year-old ramblings.  Or maybe she’s just as spiritually in-tune and intuitive as I’ve often suspected her to be.  We shall see, I suppose.  I think God knows that all would need to do is see a child in my dreams to give me a nudge in that direction.

Surrender, part 1

March 7, 2011 at 4:55 am

Trying to get words on paper to describe my fourth baby’s birth has been a challenge.  I’ve told the bare bones condensed version more times than I can remember now, but to find the words to infuse the story with all of its detail and intensity and emotion… every time I thought about making an attempt, I found myself paralyzed.  My feelings about the experience seem to change daily as well.  As I’ve relived it and processed it in my head over and over, the words and feelings associated with the experience have ranged across a broad spectrum—sometimes positive, sometimes negative, sometimes neutral.  Fortunately, as the event recedes further into memory, my feelings about it grow more and more positive and peaceful.

Initially, in the first few days after giving birth this time, I felt a lot of nostalgic longing for my first home birth experience. It had been so magical and spiritual (especially in retrospect, I’m sure), and the weeks after that birth had been even more wonderful.  This birth, however, was so utterly different than I ever expected or visualized.  Before I even had a chance to wrap my mind around the fact that it was happening, it was already over!  And, I must admit, those brief moments of “happening” were intense enough that I felt, for the first time after a birth, a bit traumatized. There also wasn’t time for so many of the things I had hoped to do during this birth experience—lots of private time with my husband, time in the shower, time visualizing and meditating on my baby, etc.  I only got to wear my birthing necklace for what seemed like a few minutes, and I had envisioned spending hours with it draped on my neck as a reminder of the love and strength being lent to me.  So this birth was initially a bit disappointing to me despite the fact that it all went “perfectly” in terms of health and clinical details.  I feel so ungrateful now as I type those words, but I’m just keeping it real.

Intuitive dreams

November 19, 2010 at 8:19 pm

Conversation in the car with my second-born (we’ll call her Monk… abbreviated from “Crazy Monkey”) after dropping-off my first-grader at school:

Monk: Mom! I had a really good dream last night!

Me: Oh really? What did you dream?

Monk: I dreamed that you were standing, and the baby in your tummy came out, and you caught it!

Me: Really?! I was standing, and I caught it?! Were you watching?

Monk: Yeah!

Me: Where was daddy?

Monk: I think he was doing the dishes…

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