My youngest woke me up at around 4:00 a.m. this morning. As I lay there after getting her back to sleep, unable to drift back to sleep myself, there was a near-constant nudging telling me to get out of bed and write. I kept asking, “What should I write about?” I got out of bed, still not really sure what it was I was going to write.
A couple of weekends ago, I attended a yoga/meditation retreat taught by my soul sister, Felice Austin. It was a life-changing weekend. It’s hard for me to even describe or comprehend everything that happened inside of me over the course of those three days. But I feel nudged to share a bit about three of the powerful experiences I had that weekend.
On Saturday, Felice guided us in a rebirthing meditation. Knowing that I was conceived as the sixth child in an unhappy, stressful marriage and baked for nine months in that negative environment, I went into this meditation with some trepidation. I wasn’t sure what to expect from it, but I knew I didn’t want to relive my original gestation experience or find out just how painful it might have been. As it turns out, this rebirthing meditation had very little to do with how we were actually born and everything to do with transformation.
This experience really was transformational for me. I was reborn. I was healed. It was perhaps the closest I’ve ever come to pure ecstasy. It’s hard for me to describe what happened in a way that truly conveys its power. What happened was within the realm of my subconscious, but it was also more real than many of the physical experiences I’ve participated in. I experienced a new gestation. I was birthed and attended by women who love me, embraced in tenderness, re-took my first breath in euphoria.
Afterward, Felice told us that part of the meditation was to get up and talk to each other. I turned to Wendy who was the closest person to where I was and said, “Can I hug you?” We didn’t talk. We just held each other, and I sobbed. Then Sheridan came over to us and wrapped her arms around us. She doula-ed me in her gentle, perfect way… coaxing the wailing out of me in a massive release. And I sobbed and sobbed with these two beautiful women holding space for me and filling me with their love and light. I will never forget it.
Felice also facilitated a guided imagery journey for us. In this imagery journey, we went to a special place. I found myself lying on the grass underneath the clothes line in my grandmother’s backyard.
Then a guardian angel appeared. This angel took various forms for each of us. I was privileged to spend time with someone very dear to me in the spirit world, my Aunt Paula. We didn’t really talk at first. We just looked at each other, and then I held her hand. After a while she told me she wanted to introduce me to someone. Another spirit appeared. This spirit is someone I’ve often believed to exist, but I have never known for certain. It was my unborn son. I have come to know him much better over the course of the past month, to understand more about who he is and why he will be a blessing to my family (and the world). His features were fuzzy to me, but I think he appeared as a teenager with dark hair like my husband. His presence was beautiful.
Then Felice guided us to visualize our guardian angel giving us a gift. My angels handed me something familiar. It was an amethyst crystal pendant that I already had. After my grandma died and I had started feeling better, several things had prompted me to start looking for an amethyst crystal. My grandmother was born in February. Amethysts were her birthstone and her favorite. So part of my wanting an amethyst was because of my grandmother. But there were other reasons as well.
Anyway, I had started looking online for what I wanted, but I got the feeling that I was going to find an amethyst crystal at the AZ Holistic Living Conference, so I waited. Sure enough, I found my amethyst crystal at the conference. And I added it to a necklace Sheridan had given to me last summer when I was in deep despair. It had a small pendant with a tree of life and “Life is a gift” engraved on the back. Her gift had been such a source of strength, and its loving energy seemed to be the perfect home for my amethyst.
I brought that necklace to the retreat. I wore it to the retreat on Saturday. Somehow I knew that it was significant. So when my guardian angels handed me my pendant, I understood why it was so special to me. No wonder I had felt so guided as I looked for and found my amethyst crystal. It had been a gift.
Before I tell this story, I need to give a bit of background so it will make sense. My family is big into nicknames. When I was a wee little girl, my four older brothers were big BYU football fans. At the time, the star quarterback was Robbie Bosco. For whatever reason, being the weirdo-brothers they are, they started calling me “Lani Bosco, Robbie Bosco’s wife.” Then eventually they just started calling me “Bosco.” My brothers almost never call me by my given name. I am Bosco in my family. It’s just as much my name as Lani is.
So, at the end of Saturday’s last meditation, many of us went out to walk in the property surrounding the Sage Hills Healing Center. Some of us went to the labyrinth on the hill overlooking the center. I was told by another retreat attendee that the idea is to ask a question as you enter the labyrinth and then not come out until you get an answer. Felice and I took our shoes off for some Earthing as we walked as well. I asked my question and began. It really is quite an experience to walk a labyrinth. If you’ve never done it, I highly recommend it.
As I approached the labyrinth’s center, I felt the answer to my question solidifying in my mind. Just as I turned the last corner, I thought, “Yes, that’s the answer.” Then I looked down at what I thought was just a pile of rocks in the center. And I saw this:
Regardless of the reality that the plaque was likely the marker for the final resting place of a beloved pet, I was stunned. I stood rooted to that spot and stared at that plaque for several minutes. It was surreal to look down and see my name staring back at me, in the middle of the hills of Cedar City, in a place I had never been, on a transformational day full of discoveries.
When I told my oldest brother about this experience the following day, he said, “If that had happened to me I would have started bawling right there… God saying, ‘You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.'” I didn’t cry, but I think he said it just right. In that moment, I felt the whole Universe acknowledge my existence and affirm in my heart that I was loved, known, and had been guided to that very place… that the answers and discoveries I had received that day were real and true and for me.
So many times last year I had looked toward the heavens in despair, crying, “Where are you?! Are you even there?!” I felt abandoned and alone and forgotten. But over the course of that weekend retreat, I felt divine whispers over and over in a variety of ways letting me know that my life’s path was no accident, that I have spiritual aid all around me (even when I don’t think it’s there), that I have the capacity to shed old beliefs and negativities and be renewed and reborn into someone more radiant and loving… that I am known and loved and never forgotten.
And so are you.