Yes, You Can

August 12, 2014 at 12:23 am

I’m still here.

Still battling withdrawals. They’re still brutal. I never really know when a withdrawal episode will hit or how long it will last. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes a few hours. The good news is that once the panic subsides, I usually go back to a baseline of relative calm.

I feel like the SSRI is helping a little more each day. Today my husband was working later, but I made dinner all by myself… something I haven’t been able to do for a long time. That feels like a small victory. I have been spending most mornings and some afternoons at various friends’ houses (it helps pass the time/I don’t like to be alone), and I’m able to smile and mostly enjoy being with them when I’m not having a “withdrawal episode.” That feels like progress. Last night I went to an important meeting I didn’t think I would be capable of attending and felt calm while I was there. That was a gift.

But I’m not done with this battle. I still have to wean off my night-time dose of the benzodiazepene. I have no idea how my body is going to respond to that. But the only way out is through. I wish I could skip the rest of August.

More than once during my withdrawal episodes, eyes full of panic and desperation, I have told my husband, “I can’t do this.” He always says the same thing, “Yes, you can.” And I try to believe him.