Surrender, part 5
I’ve debated off and on whether to post about this. I guess you can tell which of my inner-dialogue teams won.
My birth story didn’t end with my daughter’s birth. Some things happened afterward that I would say were an extension of that birth. They’ve been sitting on the back burner in my mind, waiting. I suppose I’ve been holding them back because I just wasn’t quite ready to process them yet. Pondering and writing this post was an intense journey of realization and discovery and spiritual revelation. I don’t know exactly why I feel like I need to share it, but I do. What follows is a little graphic and a lot personal. If you choose to comment, please be respectful. Here goes…
My uncle somehow always seems to know when I’m pregnant before I make it public knowledge. This last time, after we shared the news, he said, “I think you’re having twins.” We laughed.
Then, three evenings after my daughter’s birth, we were getting ready for bed around 9:00 or 10:00. I was in the middle of a potty visit when I felt something strange and startling. I looked down and called to my husband, “Something’s coming out of me!” I don’t want to go into too many details, but it was difficult for me to tell what it was. It wasn’t sliding easily out, and I didn’t want to pull on it without knowing whether it would be safe for me to do so.
With my heart pounding in distress, I told my husband to get me the phone so I could call my midwife. I woke her from a dead sleep, bless her heart, but, once she had her bearings, she started asking me questions about the color, texture, whether I was having pain, what my uterus and bleeding were like, etc. We determined that it was probably pieces of trailing membrane and blood clots, so she instructed me to tug on it gently. Slowly, slowly I eased it out… it just kept coming and coming. There were parts that looked like pieces of placenta to me and had me worrying I was going to start hemorrhaging, but my midwife assured me that they were most likely blood clots. They had examined my placenta thoroughly and knew there weren’t any parts missing. She said it was also possible there had been a “vanishing twin.” She wanted to take a look herself, however, so she instructed me to keep it all in a baggie in the fridge until my appointment a couple of days later and bring it with me. After determining that I was OK, we hung up.
As soon as we arrived for our appointment, Mary, her assistants, my husband, baby, and I all went together into a small room to take a look at the baggie contents. Mary emptied it onto a chux pad and with her gloved hands started spreading it all out, squishing the clots with her fingers to show me and her assistants how they fell apart under pressure, assuring me that they definitely weren’t pieces of placenta. It was, as she had suspected, amniotic sac with some blood clots stuck in it. Nothing to worry about.
But… there was one little thing.
It didn’t give way to pressure. It wasn’t a blood clot. It was a familiar curved shaped. Just a couple of centimeters of firm red tissue. Mary said, “You know what I think that is?” She didn’t even have to say it out loud ’cause I already knew what she was thinking. I nodded my head.
It’s likely that my daughter shared the womb for a brief time with another tiny soul.
As that realization washed over me, I was full of mixed emotions. Even now, nearly three months later, I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. I have never wished for twins, always felt that twins would be far too overwhelming for me. So part of me was/is very relieved. Despite that relief, part of me was/is also sad. And I can’t help wondering whether the loss of that tiny little soul explains some of the uncharacteristic aspects of my last pregnancy.
Could it be that my heart and spirit knew I had lost a child even though my conscious mind was unaware of it? Could that loss have contributed to the overwhelming darkness and gloom I felt for much of the middle of my pregnancy? Could the hormonal shifts from carrying twins and then losing one of them be partially responsible for the unusually intense mood swings I was plagued with? I don’t know. Maybe.
When I think of that possible little soul, my mind often pulls up a memory from the second half of my pregnancy. I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but one morning I was snoozing in bed, probably drifting back to sleep after using the bathroom. The rest of my family was still in bed. After falling comfortably back to sleep, I suddenly heard an urgent whisper right next to my bed say, “Mom!” I opened my eyes, expecting to see one of my kids standing there wanting something. But there was no one there. I looked at the foot of my bed and toward the door… no one.
At the time I wondered whether it might have been the spirit of the child I was carrying—the daughter I was soon to meet—just saying hello. Or perhaps it was just a voice from a millisecond-long dream? But after the birth and discovery of the possibly vanished twin, that experience felt weightier in my memories. For whatever reason, my brain keeps connecting that event with that tiny little vanished twin. And who am I to question my body’s wisdom? I don’t know why he/she would have appeared in that moment, calling me from my sleep. But I can’t forget it, and maybe that was the idea.
I don’t think it was a coincidence that pieces of membrane waited a few days to emerge. If there hadn’t been something noticeable to grasp my attention, that tiny piece of firm red tissue would have been lost without ever being acknowledged. I would never have known of the possible existence of another child in my womb. And it seems clear to me that this child desperately needed to be acknowledged and remembered.
Maybe he/she knew that I was going to doubt my abilities to welcome any more children into our home? Maybe he/she knew that I would consider closing up the baby shop for good? Maybe that explains the urgency in that whisper? Retrospect certainly lends weight and power to that one word: “Mom!” Now, looking back, that one word multiplies into a torrent of potential meaning in my mind… “YOU are my mother. I’m coming back to YOU. Please don’t forget me…”
We can’t know for certain whether there was, in fact, a vanished twin. But my heart feels it’s true, especially when I’m in a room with my family and keep looking around for the one who’s missing, only to realize we’re all already in the room. Or when my baby girl’s face lights up in a huge grin, as though she’s looking at an invisible someone she adores, sitting or standing next to me.
Thinking and writing about it all, I can feel that bit of sadness and loss fading away, leaving peace and understanding in its place. And, even now, my eyes well up with tears of knowing… Yes, I know it now. I can feel it in my bones. I can see it in my tears and in the burning, overwhelming love and joy filling me and surrounding me. Yes, there is another child who loves me deeply and intensely, waiting… and hoping that I will have the courage to surrender again.
P.S. I gave birth to a baby boy in my dreams two nights ago.
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Wow, I really don’t have any words . . . just that your writing, per usual, was beautiful and moving. Just know I’m thinking of you and your family!
Oh Momma, my heart goes out to you and your family during this time. So many emotions to work through. A heartache but beneath gave way to a future blessing. Prayers and good thoughts your way..
I’m so glad you decided to share this with us. Thank you. This post was so very powerful. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I am honored to share in the acknowledgment and I will hold you and your family in my prayers.
That was a beautiful post. Remind me so much of my own miscarriage….thanks for sharing. So much meaning in one little word, “mom”.
Thank you so much for sharing. So many hugs and prayers your way
This is one of the most beautiful posts of yours that I’ve ever read. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your heart. This was truly touching and very moving.
wow. thank you for sharing this.
What a beautiful experience. I can relate to what you’re going through, although my experiences haven’t been exactly the same as yours. When I had my miscarriages last year I didn’t feel as though I lost a child. I felt as though that child was still waiting to come to our family. It’s the only reason we’re not done having babies yet, because of the power of such experiences. The Lord loves us and is gracious. Your family is very blessed :)
Thank you.
A friend directed me to your blog, and this post in particular, because I, too, experienced the same thing in my second pregnancy. I never knew about the “vanished twin” until after I gave birth and my midwife found in my placenta what was she was fairly certain was an encapsulated 11-13 week fetus. Like you, all of a sudden so many things about my pregnancy finally made sense…
It’s taken me a long time to work through all the emotions that have come with the discovery. Shock, relief, sadness, denial. I don’t know that I’ve even yet to fully come to terms with it. I want to thank you for having the courage share your story, however, because in doing so you have helped me take one more step toward acceptance and healing.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that with us. My sister went through a very similar thing with her second pregnancy. I will pray for you as you continue to work through all the emotions that come along with experiencing the loss of a child(no matter how small).
One of my favorite posts of yours too! I love this. I’m sorry for the loss, but so grateful for the spiritual insight you’ve shared. This is beautiful. Your babies – ALL of them – are so lucky to have you for a mama. Thinking of you. Lovies!
A Doula friend posted this on my facebook page. It is always so
valuable to share birth and loss stories. I have had so many people
benefit from birthing experiences that women have shared with me.
Sometimes you even save a life. Thank you. We don’t know how the
spiritual world works, but I choose to believe that you did have a visit
that night so that you would be able to have that memory. It helped you
to connect and that was the purpose. I had a vivid dream where I was
visited and actually told in it that my baby had died. The next morning
I went outside in the sunlight and started to spot and proceeded to have
a miscarriage. There was no reason. That is how i came to understand that there is a real grieving that happens when a soul passes from you even if you never met them in the physical world.
Thank you for sharing this. Beautiful. Sometimes our answers from the Lord come in very unexpected ways.
Incredible. After suffering a miscarriage, I had a dream more real than anything I’ve ever experienced, in which my daughter was real and breathing and living in my arms. I will treasure it always.
My sister had twins that originally were triplets – for three years, she would hear a baby crying in the night, but the twins were fine. She had a baby boy last year, and told me that she finally could take care of that baby that had been crying for her.
Amazing how babies can change us.
Wow, thank you for sharing your experience. It was very touching and I can see that it could be what effected you during the pregnancy. Certainly your spirit could have felt that spirit and noticed his departure.
Awww mama I have no words. Wow, I’ve actually never read a story like this so thank you for sharing. This is a beautiful post, I’m so sorry for your loss.
That.was.powerful. Sacred. Amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Goosebumps…lots and lots of goosebumps! I went through something like this. We had a surprise pregnancy about a year after our second child was born. We were excited, but totally shocked. It wasn’t the best time for us as the economy had hit our business pretty hard, but none the less we started planning for the home birth of the new baby. I was sooooooooo sick that first trimester and I kept telling my husband it had to be twins, I had never suffered from MS like this with my first two. My midwife didn’t want to see me until 12 weeks along and I decided since she wouldn’t allow me to do ultra sounds I would go for pregnancy conformation at a lady who was a u/s tech for 30+ years that now runs her own business scanning moms and giving them u/s pics 2 days before my 12 week appointment with my midwife. It’s really strange b/c other than the horrible ms, nothing else seemed off, yet just a few days before the ultra sound I had googled signs of miscarriage, none fit me, so i put it out of my head. On the way to the appointment to go get the confirmation scan I had the thought cross my mind what if the baby didn’t make it, will they charge us for the scan…strange thought…so I quickly put it out of my head. We got stuck in traffic so we were a running a little behind, i called to tell them we were on the way about 10 mins out still. They had no issues with it. We got in and I got on the table to be scanned. The lady was asking questions and such and instantly this precious little baby popped up on the screen. She had asked if I had experienced any bleeding, spotting or cramping and I said no. My husband responded “she’s convinced it’s twins”. The lady looked at both of us and said well the reason I ask those questions is b/c do you see this sac behind this baby and I was like yes and she said that was a twin that passed earlier. I was excited i had been right but sad the twin had not made it. Well then she looks at me and just shakes her head and i was totally lost. The baby we could see measured 11 weeks 3 days…i was supposed to be 12 weeks but we all know measurements and dates can be off so i wasn’t worried, until i realized she didn’t have the screen froze and my baby had not been moving…at all. She confirmed all that deep down i had already known. I made an appointment with my old OB/GYN for a medical opinion and for help if my body did not start to expel my “babies”. The results were all the same except they didn’t see the twin sac that we had all seen a few days before. After the missed miscarriage, I swore never again would I go through something so painful and my husband signed up for the vasectomy that day to be done at the beginning of the next month. Well he got a call saying they had to reschedule b/c the Dr was sick and would be out for awhile. Something clicked in my head that we were supposed to try again at that point. I couldn’t get out of my head that this happened to prepare us for what was to come. I finally convinced my husband we should have one more and 6 months after my miscarriage and 5 months of thinking I was pregnant again. I went at 8 weeks for a confirmation ultrasound and as soon as the u/s pic popped up on the screen 2 little beautiful blobs in separate sacs were just wiggling and moving around. No one will ever convince me that these two I gave birth to on October 20, 2011, are not the two little souls God prepared me for back in August of 2010. I am so happy I listened to what I was feeling and I got my twins back. Thank you for sharing you story!
I love and appreciate how in tune you are to your body and to spiritual things.
Through a “random” series of clicks, I landed on your post. I have goosebumps and a lump in my throat. You helped me with my experience thirty years ago.
I was uncharacteristically sick during the first trimester of my third pregnancy. My extremely good and experienced ob (Dr. Martin Motew in Chicago) was convinced I was having twins, but during the ultra sound he could only find one. “I know there’s another one in here. Sometimes they’re just playing hide and seek,” he said. Finally he decided he had been mistaken.
Then I had a very vivid dream. Two adorable baby girls, about six months old and wearing sweet little red velvet dresses, were sitting next to each other and laughing. I could see them from about their tummies up. The one on the left reached over and batted at the one on the right who then gently toppled out of the picture. That was all. But it was so bright and happy and there was a sense of just-rightness about it. I wondered if the baby who toppled was the twin that Dr. Motew couldn’t find…one who for some reason was now “out of the picture.”
The pregnancy, labor and delivery were difficult. The doctor asked if I would like to have my tubes tied. I said I wasn’t really sure we were through having babies, and he said then don’t do it because when you are ready you will know.
Moments before my daughter was born, through my fog of pain I heard the doctor say to my husband and the other doctor in the room, “Gentlemen, it’s at times like these we can be thankful we are not women.” This from a man who had delivered thousands of babies. I felt profoundly acknowledged. In minutes we had a beautiful little baby girl.
When my fourth child was conceived, I knew immediately that our family was finished. After a super easy pregnancy and delivery our beautiful daughter was born. She and her sister have been best friends their whole lives. There is a logic and a rightness to this that I can’t explain–I just feel it and am profoundly grateful to have been a part of it.
Thank you for your post and for giving me the space to process and share my experience. Much love to you and your beautiful family.
Love this. Love you. :) :) You’re an amazing writer.
Beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this.
After suffering through a MC in Nov, a D&C in Nov.. further complications and ANOTHER D&C in Dec, 3 days before Christmas.. this makes me feel a little better.
I just knew, before the baby was even conceived that something was going to happen. Before we even conceived, I told my husband – let’s not tell anyone about our next baby until I am further along, just in case. Unfortunately, I let my happiness change my mind and told everyone after my BFP. During that whole time, though.. I just felt something was off. Like the baby wasn’t going to make it. I was looking for books online, and bought a “big sister” book for my daughter and as soon as I clicked “buy it”, something in my head said I wouldn’t need it.. at least not yet.
First scan of the baby showed the baby to be significantly smaller than what they should have been, and heart rate was lower than what they wanted. 2nd scan, no heart rate, baby same size.
I never got a good bye dream from my baby. I pray all the time that he or she will come back to me when we try again. I miss him or her so much. :(
Mandy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find more peace and healing as time goes on.
Thank you. Some days are easier than others. The bad days are few and far between now. I think I am just sad lately because my due date will/would have been soon and it is weighing heavily on my heart.