Confounded

January 15, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Last weekend, my six-year-old daughter said something surprising.

But first I have to give the background story. We recently had a discussion with my two oldest daughters about how babies are created. They already knew a lot of the details from many previous smaller conversations, each one building a bit on the other, but this particular discussion was an answer to the question, “Mom, how do the sperm get inside of the mommy so they can get to the egg?”

So the other day my six-year-old was lying with her ear where my womb is, just relaxing. Then out of nowhere she said, “Mom, I think I know what’s happening right now.” And I said, “What’s that?” And she said, “I think the sperm are swimming to the egg inside of you.”

… Blink. Blink. Stare at my husband with raised eyebrows and wide eyes.

As I’ve said before, I pay attention when my kids make bold statements like that, especially this particular child. When those words came out of her mouth, I felt a strange mixture of denial and fear. Denial because I thought to myself (and explained to her) that it was extremely unlikely there was an egg waiting for sperm inside of me since I had just finished my period. And fear because, well, I believe that “little children do have words given unto them many times [from angels], which confound the wise and the learned” (Source). I was confounded indeed. It couldn’t be possible, I thought… but… what if she was right?

I’ve gone back and forth since my fourth baby’s birth about whether I felt I could accept any more children. I thought I was done, and then I came to peace with either path, and then I received spiritual revelation that I had a baby waiting to come to us (probably a boy). My daughter had also told me I was definitely going to grow another placenta ;-) and that I was going to have another girl and another boy.

Even so, my husband and I had decided that it would be best for my physical and mental health (and our bank account!) if we waited a few years before opening ourselves to another child (although my husband’s preference would be to stop at four and call it good).

I have known all along, however, that the story of my life seldom follows my carefully-laid plans. The Powers-That-Be know that all They have to do is start sending me dreams and messages, and I start listening and adjusting my course.

So a week ago my dear friend Heather felt inspired to email me a link to a song she had heard on the radio. If you click over and listen, you may remember that “surrender” is a loaded word for me in this childbearing journey I’m on. I listened to it and loved it, and it brought tears to my eyes, but I didn’t realize at the time why I needed it.

A few days later, I started having dreams. The first was full of symbols and confused me at first. I wondered if there might be a message contained in it, but I also dismissed it as just a weird dream. Then I had another one. This one was blunt and to the point: I was unexpectedly pregnant. I woke up from that second dream and my daughter’s words from several days earlier came crashing into my head. Then more and more words and messages came flooding into my mind. And suddenly I understood what the previous dream had meant. Maybe sometime I will tell you about that dream and all that it implied ’cause it was pretty powerful stuff.

Tonight I think we will tell our kids about my dreams. And I guess I better get back into my exercise and green smoothie rhythm. I don’t know if I’m already pregnant, but either way I get a feeling we won’t be taking a few-year’s break like we had planned.

Update on January 27: I’m not pregnant (but my heart has been opened).