Not Done

September 11, 2013 at 3:03 am

My friend, Katie, wrote a post for our book blog on Monday called “Your family is complete.” In it she shares how she came to know on a deep and spiritual level that her family was complete after the birth of her sixth child. Discussions on our book’s fb page and my Birth Faith facebook page have had me pondering the subject quite a lot.

Personally, I’ve gone back and forth on this subject numerous times. I even included ya’ll in many of those ponderings…

  • “Though I would certainly not refuse any child that came to me, I feel as though it would be a supreme act of selfishness (and craziness) for me to willfully invite any more children into my home.”  (Done?)
  • “As I’ve pondered it, I’ve come to peace with either path.  I feel OK with being done.  And I feel OK with not being done.” (Done? Revisited)
  • “Yes, there is another child who loves me deeply and intensely, waiting… and hoping that I will have the courage to surrender again.” (Surrender, part 5)
  • “For someone who has spent the last decade of my life passionate about birth and motherhood and babies, it seems so strange that… at present… I have to confess…  Seeing pregnant women makes me feel anxious, seeing babies makes me feel anxious, thinking about ever being pregnant again or having another baby makes me feel horrified.” (Fiery Furnace)
  • “After a while she told me she wanted to introduce me to someone. Another spirit appeared. This spirit is someone I’ve often believed to exist, but I have never known for certain. It was my unborn son. I have come to know him much better over the course of the past month, to understand more about who he is and why he will be a blessing to my family (and the world).” (Retreat)

What a ride! And the ride’s not over yet! Regardless of what goes on inside of me as I ponder this question, I still have a husband with his own strong opinions on the subject. And I’m not about to coerce him into anything. But I can say for myself that I feel confident that my family is not “complete” yet.

IMG_1113Whether I’m able to convince my husband of that and whether I’m able to muster the courage to actually try for another baby is another story. And even then, who knows whether I’ll even be able to get pregnant if/when I wanted to?

So many things about this hypothetical future pregnancy feel so uncertain and unsettled. But here’s some of what I have come to learn through dreams, visions, and impressions about this child who is waiting to come to us…

  • His gender and name.
  • His deep love for me.
  • His powerful bond with his sister and former twin (my fourth baby). And some of the history of their pre-birth relationship.
  • His healing spiritual gifts.
  • His probable hair and eye color.
  • His tender willingness to wait for me to be ready emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • His mission on earth (part of it).

I’ve never known so much about one of my children before they were born. This is also the first time that I’ve recognized the awe-inspiring extent of the spiritual strength of the child coming to me. And I feel that I have much more elevating I need to do before he could even feel comfortable inhabiting my body in utero. I don’t know why this incredible spirit-son is so set on coming to me, but I’m honored to potentially have the great blessing of knowing and mothering him.

Now watch, I get pregnant and have a girl instead… sigh.