The Things We Will Never Do

September 26, 2017 at 9:55 pm

In my nearly 37 years on this lovely planet, I have said a lot of things with certainty. Things like…

  • I won’t get married before I finish college.
  • I’ll never vote republican.
  • I wouldn’t buy an American-made vehicle.
  • I’d never move to Arizona.
  • I’m not one of those people who would take an anti-depressant.
  • I wouldn’t give birth at home.
  • I definitely won’t homeschool my kids.
  • I’ll never own an SUV.

This is just a sampling of the things I would never do. But I will soon have done all of them.

I say soon because we’ve technically never owned an SUV, but we’re in the market for a bigger people-mover. We take road trips every year, and we’re tired of packing every inch of our minivan with stuff, leaving virtually zero leg room for the seven of us. For the past week or so I’ve been exploring our options, and at the moment the ones that seem most do-able, affordable, and practical are giant SUVs. Sigh. I totally used to judge people who drove giant SUVs. The Chevy Suburban is my current top pick.

The other day I found a 2009 Suburban on Craigslist with low miles that seats 9 passengers. That’s a lot of people. Our current minivan seats 7. That brings me to my next point.

All of my life, I have been adamant about one thing above all else:

  • I will never have 6 children.

“Six kids drove my mother insane,” I say. The truth is that the kids were only part of the equation. It was never a happy marriage, and the breakdown of my family was basically inevitable. Even so, my birth (#6) was celebrated, most especially by my older sister who had waited and prayed eleven years for a baby sister with only feisty male trouble-makers to keep her company at home. Less than two years after my birth, my parents divorced and my dad took custody. Somehow, in my mind, the number 6 seemed cursed. I couldn’t have 6 kids, regardless of the fact that my marriage and my entire life have been completely different from my parents’.

When I started having that intense missing kid sensation at the end of August, it forced me to start thinking about whether I could actually do it… could I handle 6 children? That question is still up for debate. But on the last day of the unschooling conference I attended a few weeks ago, I stopped at the Dollar Tree on the way home. I stopped at multiple Dollar Tree stores, actually, because the first few I tried were completely out of pregnancy tests. And I needed to know. My period was five days late. After years of never being more than one day off my “normal,” I was sure something was definitely going on.

So sometime between now and May of 2018 we will probably be buying a giant SUV to hold my giant family and our accompanying giant load of stuff because 7 seats just won’t be giant enough any more. We’ll need at least 8.

Yes… this is an announcement.

Right about the time I started looking around for the other kid I couldn’t see was right about when another kid I couldn’t see had taken up residence inside my body. At least now I’ll have a legitimate reason to look pregnant all the time.

Obviously, this pregnancy was unplanned, but after the initial shock, our excitement is growing. I’m 8 weeks today. I spend way too much time peeing, I had to go into the backyard while my husband and daughter cooked dinner tonight, and I feel like I could nap all day. Making humans is tough, and I’m now a “geriatric mother,” so I think that definitely entitles me to as many naps as I want. Speaking of geriatric mothers, this made me laugh:

Now before you start imagining Grandma with a bump, let me explain. Originally the term “geriatric pregnancy” was meant to describe the pregnancy of a woman who was 35 years or older. At some point (probably after being verbally and physically assaulted by hormonal mommies-to-be) the medical community decided to change that term to “advanced maternal age” (Source).


Feel free to bring me cucumbers and watermelon. Gotta stay alkaline. Also, I ordered another shipment of the best spring water ever. It has the highest concentration of magnesium of any water source I’m aware of. And you all know how I feel about magnesium, especially during pregnancy. Magnesium always saves the day.

Six kids and an SUV. Here we go.