As some of you are aware, I started taking medication for my anxiety/depression last August. I’m excited to report that I have now successfully cut my drug dose down to 1/4 of my prescribed amount. So I’m down to 12.5 milligrams a day instead of the 50 milligrams I was taking. This process was very, very gradual over the past month or so. There are a variety of reasons why I’m doing this:
- I feel ready, and I feel divine encouragement about it.
- God has promised me I will be able to be happy without medication.
- My body chemistry is getting out of whack, and I think the drugs are contributing to that.
- I believe I’m being prepared to open myself to more children, and I would like to clear the drugs out of my system first.
- I’m gaining more weight than I’m comfortable with. I believe this is related to the medication since my siblings have experiences similar side-effects while taking SSRIs.
When I tell friends and family about my weaning down, their first question is usually, “Is your doctor OK with that?” I’m sure they’re just wanting to be sure I’m not jumping into this too soon. Nobody wants to see me sick again, of course. So although a part of me wishes they would just say, “That’s great,” without any hint of doubt, I completely understand their concern.
My doctor told me back in October that I could start weaning down whenever I wanted to. He felt all along that my situation was temporary and the pharmaceutical assistance would not be a life-long need. However, I told him I wanted to wait until the spring before I tried to cut back. I wanted to get our house sold, get us moved and settled, and do some more healing before trying to “walk on my own” again.
So far so good. A few weeks ago, God gave me a new “prescription” to replace the drugs. It includes a variety of spiritual and physical things I was encouraged to make habits in order to protect myself from darkness and fear. I have to admit I’ve been slacking on them terribly. Time to kick myself into gear. But, even with my slacking, I still feel good.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I walked into a Sunday School class at church a little late. I sat down in the front row by a friend.
After the class was over, she turned to me and said, “You look like you just came from heaven.”
I laughed and said, “‘Cause I’m wearing all white?”
She said, “No… your aura. You’re glowing.”
She knows of the struggles I’ve been through this past year, and she has seen plenty of her own. We just stared into each other’s faces, smiling and beaming. Then we both got tears in our eyes and hugged for a few moments.
It was like God was giving me a personal, special witness that I am, indeed, becoming whole again and other people can see it too.
And it feels so good.