Fiery Furnace

July 30, 2012 at 4:33 am

I haven’t been able to bring myself to blog here (or anywhere) for awhile. The things I love… writing, researching, thinking about birth, taking photographs, cooking, gardening… they’ve all fallen by the wayside. I’m in survival mode, and it’s taking everything I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. This trial has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through. Every trial probably feels that way when you’re in the middle (or even the end) of it, I suppose.  Even so, this one feels especially hard and long. I thought it was over when I wrote this post, but alas I was wrong.

For someone who has spent the last decade of my life passionate about birth and motherhood and babies, it seems so strange that… at present… I have to confess… seeing pregnant women makes me feel anxious, seeing babies makes me feel anxious, thinking about ever being pregnant again or having another baby makes me feel horrified. How awful is that? I just helped write a whole book called The Gift of Giving Life for crying out loud! How did I get to this place? I hope with all my heart that I will be able to once again see the beauty and joy of giving life someday soon.

There are a lot of things in my life that feel foreign and uncertain and scary right now. But I do know this… I am grateful for the people in my life who strengthen me.

  • I am grateful for all the cards my sister has sent me in the mail with encouraging words like “It WILL get better… I promise.”
  • I am grateful for a psychologist stepmom who would spend an arm and a leg to buy a last-minute plane ticket to fly down here and do some emotional work with me for a couple of days.
  • I am grateful for my mom’s unending encouragement and willingness to come as often as I need her to come to help me care for my family and nourish my body and soul.
  • I am grateful for a friend who wouldn’t give up asking me to let her babysit so I could have a break with my husband.
  • I am grateful for friends who have fasted for me (sometimes repeatedly) and continue to pray for me.
  • I am grateful for my children who give me a reason to keep going and whose faith inspires me.
  • I am grateful for friends who sat and listened to me for an hour on Thursday and then offered to watch my children and give me a few breaks this week.
  • I am grateful I have a woman in my life who has been where I am, who has felt what I am feeling, and who can bear testimony to me that it is temporary, and that the healing crisis I am in will send me forth better and stronger and more fearless in the end.
  • I am grateful for a Sunday church service that went straight into my heart and soul and felt like it was for me.
  • I am grateful for a bishop who shook my hand, noticed I was in need, and then spent a chunk of time counseling with me and encouraging me.
  • I am grateful for a husband with endless faith, endless patience, endless perseverance, endless love, constantly telling me over and over, “Everything is going to be OK,” and “I’m not going anywhere.”
  • I am grateful for rain and cooler weather, even if it’s just for a few hours in the evenings. I took a walk in the rain tonight, all by myself, and it soothed my soul.
  • I am grateful that right now I feel calm. Right now I feel OK. Who knows about tomorrow, but right now, at this moment, I feel OK.
  •  Someday, when this is all over, (hopefully very soon) I think I’ll even be grateful for all the pain I’ve been through in the last few months.
Your prayers and love would be so much appreciated.
If you choose to comment, please only share words of encouragement or positive thoughts. My heart is very vulnerable at present, it doesn’t take much to stir up my anxiety, so please tread lightly. Overwhelming me with advice or tips would also not be helpful. Thank you for understanding.