August 26, 2014 at 1:22 am

Tonight I will be cutting my dose again.

As much as I’m eager to leave benzodiazepines behind, it always feels a little bit like voluntarily submitting to torture when I reduce my dose. Generally the next two days are alright. The third… not so much. If the pattern continues, this Thursday should be interesting.

In other news, my sleep is definitely taking a hit. Sunday morning I woke up at 3:45 and couldn’t go back to sleep. This morning I woke up at 3:30, but I was fortunately able to fall back to sleep until 5:00-ish.  When I start catastrophizing, I imagine that I’m going to have some sleepless nights coming up. So far my worst fears haven’t materialized, so I’m hoping the trend continues.

I think it’s safe to say that the past four months have been the most difficult I’ve ever endured. I really hope September will bring mercy. I really hope I don’t have another month+ of withdrawals to look forward to. I really hope the next couple of weeks don’t kill me. <—Did you hear that? That’s called a will to live. It’s nice to have one again. I hope it sticks around. Never take yours for granted, friends.

It’s words like this that keep me fighting:

Hi, Lani. I could see in your eyes that today has been a difficult one for you. I am so sorry. You’ve endured such a long, difficult journey to get where you are at now. You’ve got this. Just hold on a bit longer. The light will come.

And this:

I’m bringing you dinner tonight. Do tostadas sound ok? Around 5:30?

And this:

You’re still in all of our family’s prayers. My kids especially never forget you. I love it.

I couldn’t do this without you people. Thank you for helping me bear this burden. Please keep encouraging me. Please pray I can sleep. I promise to pay it forward when I’m strong again.