“Your babies do not want another mother.” -from a 5-year-old’s near-death experience
Over the past couple of days I’ve been reading a book by AZ author, Sarah Hinze. She has many books, but this is the only one I was able to get from the library. It’s called Coming From the Light: Spiritual Accounts of Life Before Life.
I became aware of Sarah several years ago (while we were in the process of writing our book) when I stumbled upon her website. We were hoping to include more about pre-birth encounters in our book, but we were lucky to include just a few stories. I am hopeful that I will have the privilege of meeting Sarah sometime soon. (She will be speaking at the AZ Holistic Living Conference this month.)
As I have been reading her book, I have been flooded with so much warmth and light. The stories of not-yet-born children making appearances in visions and dreams have so touched my heart. As you may know, I have experienced several of these pre-birth encounters with my own children. The most profound of those experiences were with my fourth child. I recounted them in my birth account two years ago. I’ll share an excerpt here:
I knew eight months before she was even conceived that at some time in the future another daughter would be coming to us. She came to me in my dreams. First, recurringly, as a tiny newborn complete with a name and nickname (Illy). Later, she came to me again in a dream, as a feisty three-year-old with light blond hair like mine had been at that age. I was still caring for my infant son, in no position to become pregnant again, but I already knew that another special new spirit would be joining our family down the road.
Several months later, I felt guided to talk with my husband about leaving the timing of our next conception in God’s hands. In all our previous years of marriage, we had been too fearful to ever surrender that decision to God. While I was certainly still hesitant, my husband was terrified. But, the more we talked about it, soul-searched, and prayed about it, the more right it felt. So, in February 2010, we took a flying leap off of what seemed a very tall cliff and surrendered our bodies and fertility to God.
Four months later (on Father’s Day), I took a pregnancy test on a whim. My period was eight days “late,” but it had been somewhat irregular over the previous months, so it didn’t phase me much. I really thought it would be a while before our next child would be conceived. But as I looked with a bit of shock at the lines on the pregnancy test, I said to my husband (who was in our closet), “Ha! Umm… Happy Father’s Day…”
Later that evening, after our kids were in bed, I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the pregnancy news. My husband and I talked about things for a while and then I asked him for a blessing, hoping for some spiritual reassurance. Then something totally unexpected and sacred happened to me.
As soon as my husband put his hands on my head and began speaking the words of the blessing, images started flashing into my mind. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before during a blessing, so it took me completely by surprise. At first I kept trying to will the images away because they were distracting, and I was trying to focus on what my husband was saying in the blessing. But every time I tried to ignore them, they came back into focus more intensely. So finally I surrendered and gave them my attention.
I guess you could say I had a “vision.” I was moving quickly through a very white forest of trees—everything was white, sort of like everything was covered with snow. I was rushing forward, trees passing by me very quickly. Eventually I came to a stop in front of a young girl—maybe 6 years old. She was standing in front of a tree, wearing a long, long-sleeved white dress. She had light blonde hair past her shoulders. She looked right into my eyes and then sort of smiled and turned to leave, and immediately the vision vanished.
As soon as my husband finished the blessing, I told him what I had seen. In that moment I felt almost certain that the tiny person growing inside of me was the daughter whom I had now seen at three different ages in dreams and visions.
Those pre-birth encounters with my children have comforted me repeatedly in times of doubt and discouragement. Especially during this past year, as I have struggled so deeply to meet the challenges of my life, I have often found myself thinking or feeling that bearing a fourth child was a mistake. I’m ashamed to admit it, but that’s really how I felt. I love my daughter. I would never want to lose her. But I did not feel cut out for the career (mother-of-four) I had chosen. I felt I was letting my family down every single day. Incapacitated by anxiety and depression, I couldn’t even take care of them without constant support and assistance from earthly (and heavenly, I’m sure) angels.
But despite my trials and doubts, I couldn’t deny the experiences I had been given. I couldn’t deny that welcoming that fourth baby was the right choice. And God reassured me repeatedly of this truth: Our fourth daughter was a special spirit who was sent to our family at that time for a reason.
Some of you may remember me writing about another dream I had a little over a year ago. I’ll share an excerpt here:
A week ago my dear friend Heather felt inspired to email me a link to a song she had heard on the radio. If you click over and listen, you may remember that “surrender” is a loaded word for me in this childbearing journey I’m on. I listened to it and loved it, and it brought tears to my eyes, but I didn’t realize at the time why I needed it.
A few days later, I started having dreams. The first was full of symbols and confused me at first. I wondered if there might be a message contained in it, but I also dismissed it as just a weird dream. Then I had another one. This one was blunt and to the point: I was unexpectedly pregnant. I woke up from that second dream and my daughter’s words from several days earlier came crashing into my head. Then more and more words and messages came flooding into my mind. And suddenly I understood what the previous dream had meant. Maybe sometime I will tell you about that dream and all that it implied ’cause it was pretty powerful stuff.
I have gone back and forth in my head about whether to share that dream publicly. I’m still not certain. But I think I was given that dream because it contains a message not just for me but for all women. And I feel it is my responsibility to share that message. Reading Sarah Hinze’s book today, I felt over and over… it’s time to tell the world what you saw. Hopefully I’ll muster the courage soon.