Precious gift

June 11, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Ever since Grandma’s health took a bad turn, I have wondered… will I feel her presence after she dies? My brother-in-law once said he already knew his grandma had died before his mom called to tell him because she had “been with him.” I wondered if I would have a similar feeling. After she died, I waited, hoping for some indication that she was with me, but I never felt anything. Then I started worrying that she wasn’t coming to see me because she was mad at me for not rushing to see her when I heard she was dying. My husband tried to assure me that she wasn’t angry.

A few days later, I was thinking about her, writing in my journal, and I remembered the blessing my husband had given to me during my most recent birth. He had told me, “God wants you to know that you are surrounded by angels.” It was a wonderful blessing and a very comforting thought. But it came as a surprise. I didn’t “feel” any angels around me. When I remembered that, it gave me hope that Grandma had been with me whether I felt her or not.

I also kept hoping that she would come to me in my dreams, as my deceased brother, Steven, has on several occasions. I remember the first time I saw him (and his wife) in a dream, I gasped, wrapped my arms around him (and then her), and wept openly. It was so good to see them and hear their voices. So I have hoped, over the past couple of weeks, that I would be given a chance to see Grandma in my dreams also, especially since I didn’t get a chance to embrace her in person and say good-bye.

Last night I hugged my Grandma in a dream. I can’t remember much of the dream at all. But in that space between sleeping and fully waking, a glimmer of sweetness and memory surfaced. A tiny flash of wrapping my arms around her. She was not frail and withered. She was healthy and strong, the way I remember her from my childhood. Hugging her felt like heaven. And the sweetness of it washed away any fears that she was angry with me.¬†She radiated love, as she always has, but it was stronger than ever.

Oh what a gift. Thank you, thank you.