Weary but Winning

July 26, 2014 at 6:32 pm

A couple of days ago we took the long drive home. Back to life. Back to the AZ heat. Back to being 600 miles away from most of my family. I was so nervous to leave my safe haven at my dad’s house. I cried a lot the day before we left. But I hoped that coming home would feel like progress, that it would feel good to be in my own space again.

There is a comfort in being home, but at the same time I feel like I’ve taken several steps backward. Perhaps it’s just all the stress of traveling and having a broken a/c unit and a 99-degree house upon arrival. Perhaps it’s my husband going back to work on Monday and sending my 3rd child to kindergarten the week afterward. Perhaps it’s the heat. Perhaps it’s sleep deprivation. Perhaps it’s my kids being extra grumpy from all of this upheaval and vacation food. Perhaps it’s that I’m supposed to start planning/hosting twice-a-month activities for 10/11-year-old girls from my church at my home soon.

I feel so overwhelmed. I am so tired. I am so weary. I feel discouraged, run down, and stressed. My husband, parents, sister, psychiatrist… they tell me I’m making great progress, they tell me I’m “almost there,” but today it doesn’t feel like it. Today I feel so defeated.

I’ve certainly felt this way before. And somehow I kept going. Somehow I eventually reached a point where I felt like myself again. And I shared this photo to encourage others who needed a boost…

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Deep down I know these words are true. But I also know that the storms and darkness aren’t quite over. I told my mom that it’s like the last few miles of a marathon. I’ve never run one but my husband has run lots of them. Those last few miles, when you are so tired and so run-down, they can be brutal. In birth lingo, I suppose this is transition. The only way out is through. But I don’t want to go through any more. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and disappear.

In spite of it all (or I guess because of it all), I am grateful. So grateful. For my family’s support. For my AZ friends who cleaned my house, left flowers on my kitchen counter, and covered the front of my house with hearts and messages as a welcome home gift. I am grateful there are so many people pulling for me. I keep telling God, “If you want me to stay here, please help me carry on.” I see God in my friends, in my children, in my husband, and in every day that I make it to bedtime. As my mom told me last month, “Every day that you make it through the day, you are winning! Every hour that you get through, you are winning.”

So I guess I’m winning this battle. Please pray the trend continues.

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